Self love - a work in progress
How many of us settle because we don’t think theres anything better out there for us? Because of routine.. because you saw your parents live that way. How many people that you know around you living in a toxic relationship but they just cant seem to let go? Sometimes toxic relationships are stereotyped as visible abuse, domestic violence, cheating and everything you can see with the naked eye. A lot of times it’s the things we cant see that cause the most pain. Rather not the things they are doing, instead it’s the things they aren’t doing that kill the bond between the two. It’s the love they don’t show. It’s the words they don’t say. When we are not treated a certain way it makes us think we just aren’t worthy of such treatment. That It wasn't meant for us. We see others have what we want but we just call them lucky. In reality, by accepting the behavior you don't want, you are blocking the right person from giving you the things you do want.
Think of all the ways you want love to be shown to you. Close your eyes and imagine the feeling. Do you know your love language? Do a quick search on what love language is and a lot of things will make sense after that. My love language is words of affirmation with acts of service. If someone I am with is doing everything else in the world but that, I wont be able to see their love for me. So, whats your love language? When you start to realize what you want, now you cant let your brain shut you down and say, "well they could never do this" or, "hes just not like that" or, "I cant change him". I thought all of these things and they kept holding me back. When there is mutual love and respect in a relationship and someone really cares, they will change their ways for you, they will at the bare minimum try to. If they don’t then you're just not so important to them. Sometimes that's a hard pill to swallow. For example, ask yourself. If you love someone and they told you they love receiving roses, wouldn’t you see roses and want to buy it for that person because you know they love them? If you don’t then its because you just don’t care enough. People wont always tell you how they feel but they will always show you, pay attention.
When you are with a partner who makes you feel closed, insecure, or like you could never find anything better than them, that’s when most people just accept a reality they are unhappy with. It makes them bitter towards those around them, they change. That’s when a lot of time passes by and it is wasted. Thats where a lot of regrets come in. A lot of this has to do with real life issues like thinking about children, if any. "What would their life be like without their mom or dad"? "Am I causing harm by chasing my own happiness?" "Am I being selfish?" "What will my family think" I experienced all of these feelings of guilt myself during my process. The answer is, your family will love what makes you happy, always. If you are with someone who dims your light, chances are most people around you notice but they wont speak up to not get involved in your relationship or for fear they might be wrong and affect your friendship/relationship. If you are wondering wether you should stay with someone because of routine, the answer is no.
Lets take a step back, by no means am I encouraging break ups, on the other hand I am encouraging self-love. Sometimes that journey comes with realizing you are a lot more valuable than what the people around you are showing you. I am encouraging communication and knowledge when it comes to how you can have a healthy relationship that lets you shine. How you can add value to each other. When you find what truly fills your heart and you realize the other person cant provide it, are you willing to live the rest of your life unfulfilled? Time is so precious to me and im glad I learned these lessons early on. They made me recognize red flags from the beginning and not settle for anything that isn't what I truly want.
I have been single for almost 2 years now, it’s also the longest ive ever been alone. All in all, It has been the best 2 years of my life. Although I am still so young, I have used this time to travel, meet new people, create memories, and most importantly get to know myself and what what I love. Find my passion, what makes me whole and what gives me purpose. Remember, You cant make someone happy if you're not happy yourself. You cant expect others to love and appreciate you if you don't know how valuable you are.
I ended a relationship that made me feel small, broken, insecure, not good enough.. it had nothing to do with the things he was doing but rather the things he was lacking. I prolonged the break up for so long and I was at my worst state. It lasted 5 years. Those are 5 years ill never get back. A lot of people ask, how can you recognize if someone ended a toxic relationship? Ask yourself If after the break up they experienced what some of us call a “glow up”. I definitely had my own share of a glow up now, but back in that moment I was broken. I had every single doubt. "What will my family and friends think?" "What will my son think?" "Im already in too deep". "What will I do alone?" "What if I don’t find anyone better?" I found my answer through prayer and I would always ask for signs. It never failed me. My path just shifted in the direction I was meant to walk in when I started to chase my happiness. Back then I didn’t know adult life alone. I didn’t know motherhood alone. I didn't know responsibility alone. I was starting a new business, it was the lowest point that makes this high feel so unbelievably worth it.
When I decided that my current reality wasn’t what I wanted for the rest of my life I had to find what is it that I truly want? I remember trying to figure out my days back then, getting in my car and asking myself, "what makes you happy?" "What do you want to do?" "If you could go anywhere alone right now, where would it be?" My mind would go blank. I didn’t know. I was always used to working my life around other people. A part of me was so used to having someone beside me that I didn’t know what was It I truly loved and enjoyed as a whole. That’s when I realized I cant go out there and look for someone to love me when I didn’t know how to love myself.
Ive been on a self care journey ever since where I have learned to put myself first. I have learned that I will vibrate at the same frequency as someone with the same ideas and intentions as me and I want them to be extraordinary. The yellow personality in me always cares about other people and what makes them happy even if it means sacrificing my own needs. I cut back on that. I started making choices based on what made me happy. If I was in a social setting and wanted to leave, I would just go and it would be okay. If someone made me feel uncomfortable I would point it out right away and let them know that wasn't okay. I stopped normalizing that the happiness of others was more important than mine.
When you start loving yourself you stop letting others walk all over you and you start teaching them how to love you. Its empowering. It feels good. You have a decision to make, we have one life to live. Do you want to let time keep passing you by without finding your true happiness or do you want to experience the best version of you that you can be? Don't leave it for later, you are in control and I trust that you will pick your happiness, after all. You deserve it.