Growing through motherhood

MOTHERS DAY 2020

I am kind of nervous writing this blog post. I can say that I’m always someone who put her struggles behind her and never lets them really come to light. Lately I’ve had a calling to share them deeper with others because god has been so gracious and giving in my life that not doing so would be a disservice to so many going through the same thing. I just know life isn’t always perfect but its perfectly working in your favor as long as you always keep fighting. If you feel like things will never get better, stuck, alone, disappointed in yourself… this one is for you. Reality is, I can share this with you now because I feel so touched by so many of you who are working for a better tomorrow and just know, its coming. 

After all, I created this blog to let young women, and women all around know, that if god brought you to it, he will get you through it. So hang in there. I never lost sight, and neither should you.

We can go back to 2014 when I first found out I was expecting a baby. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy, I didn’t have it all figured out. I wasn’t “ready” but I was in a new relationship that seemed perfect and I was “in love”… I was willing to make it work. I remember getting settled to the thought of what my life would be like. I was never that girl in high school with a desire to start a family young or even thought I would be experiencing this. My friends and family were confused and shocked. I was clueless to first time pregnancies but my boyfriend at the time was older than me and really wanted a child and the idea grew on me. I remember announcing my first pregnancy on Instagram with so much excitement and I will never forget what happened next because I always trace it back to that moment.

 

(trigger warning)

One day, I was craving chipotle so we went. Random, I know. I had just ordered my food and I sat down to eat it… I started to have cramps and bleeding. I couldn’t have been more than 12 weeks pregnant at the time. A million thoughts raised through my head. Was this normal? Was this a sign of something bad? We immediately get in the car and head to the hospital. I remember having severe abdominal pains and heavy bleeding. I felt like I was giving birth. I show up to an emergency room full of older people and I was a 19 year old girl with signs of a miscarriage. For some reason, I was “blessed” with a nurse who wasn’t patient and wasn’t considerate of my situation to top it all of. She made me feel embarrassed, at fault, and ashamed. She lacked every single bedside manner and was upset that I was crying and in pain while dealing with a new loss. I was roughly given a shot to induce the miscarriage and finish the process.. it felt like my life had shattered. 

I will spare you guys the details because if you or someone you know has gone through this you know what it looks like, feels like and what it does to you.

But this blog isn’t about that, this blog is to understand that whenever something really bad happens to you, something so much greater comes next even when it seems so dark you cant see past it.

My first pregnancy wasn’t planned, but once I found out I was expecting I couldn’t get over the loss and illusion of a new baby and that is how we created Matthew. Matthew is a “rainbow baby” that came after a very dark and unexpected time in my life. 

My pregnancy with Matthew wasn’t easy at all, I still wasn’t ready. What does ready even mean? well I was alot less ready than I am now thats for certain. A lot of people would ask well why didn’t you just wait to try again? or.. " you did it to yourself". Because I couldn’t wait, that was my way of coping and I couldn’t get over the loss. Looking back at it now, that was the correct decision. All of the blessings god sent my way were one way or another attached to Matthew.

When I got pregnant with Matthew, I was in a relationship. I was willing to make it work for him. I was going to college and working night shifts at a restaurant/ bar late nights until 38 weeks. I was going to work for as long as I could so I could extend my maternity leave as far as possible. At work I had to deal with not being entitled to extra comfort since I was just like everyone else and had to do my job. That young server with a huge belly that you feel bad for because shes at work when she should be at home resting, yeah that was me.

The last couple of weeks of my pregnancy were brutal. Matthew was a macrosomic baby meaning too big for safe and natural labor so they scheduled me for a C- section on Christmas eve. Matthew was born a true macrosomic baby weighing a whooping 10 pounds. I will never forget the doctors face when he pulled him out of my belly and I will never forget that feeling of hearing his first cry.  

If you don’t know much about a C- section the recovery isn’t fun. It’s a huge surgery and as a new mom youre not able to do much for your baby afterwards. Then came the baby blues. I had already expected it because I had all the underlying factors. I knew it was a hormonal imbalance and that helped me feel less guilt and blame. I coped with it as best as I could but to be honest sometimes it got extremely hard. I was patient and understanding with myself while going through a lot of changes both physically and mentally.

The first couple of my years with Matthew were nothing short of bittersweet. I was in a toxic relationship that made me feel un-easy. I was also working and going to school meaning I had to sacrifice time away from him. I was lucky enough to find someone who cared for him that I could afford and was great with him. During those times we were all working regular jobs and I was going to college. 

This is what a normal day in my life would look like as a young mom

Wake up at 6 am

Get ready for nursing school

Get Matthew ready to drop him off with his care taker

Cry about it, feel guilty 

Go to school

Study where I could

Pick up Matthew 

or just go straight into work until 1-2 AM some nights

Get home, shower, look at Matthew and do it all over again.

Yes I had the occasional 2 days off a week but with a life that hectic you can barely catch up.

Things started getting extremely difficult towards the end of nursing school where I had class + clinicals as well as studying for countless exams.

Looking back on it now, I don’t know how I did it but I guess I just didn’t have another choice at that time. I had bills to pay and a son to take care of and I just had to make it to the finish line. Every single day was a battle worth fighting for. I refused to let my life fall apart. All of the struggles I went through and wrong decisions I made were turning me into the relentless business owner I am now. Every single hardship I went through taught me that nothing in life worth having comes easy. When things got really difficult and I kept feeling the pressure thats when I knew something good would come out of it.

One of the biggest motivations I had when I started the business was being able to be at home with Matthew while also financially free to enjoy him. I was determined to get back all of the time I missed with him at the beginning of his life. When I started to get a taste of that, I wouldn’t let the thought go. When things would get hard and I wanted to give up on myself I always went back to those late nights when I would get home just to watch him sleep after not being able to see him entire day. 

I missed a lot of his first 3 years but I got through the hardships and I am now reaping the rewards. When I started the business in Aug 2018 Matthew was turning 3 years old. I remember his birthday came around and I took him on a trip to Disney with absolutely no budget in mind. I was enjoying my time with him while also enjoying my freedom of not having to go back to a job after vacation. I really felt my dreams were coming true. I loved what I was doing and it didn’t feel like work. 

So a lot of you ask me what has changed the most for you and Matthew after you decided to follow your dreams? Everything.

I started by first saying goodbye to a toxic relationship. That wasn’t easy. This was a big step for me and it was when my business really took off because now I really had to make this work. What felt like the hardest decision was the biggest blessing I could’ve given myself. I was later able to retire my mom and have her stay with me and Matthew so we could enjoy him together. This wasn’t easy for her to do considering she has been working multiple jobs as a single mom her entire life and here I was offering her freedom and comfort from home. My comfort meant her comfort and I never forgot that. Soon after, we were traveling often, enjoying so many things together with no worries of exchanging our times for limited incomes. 

On Matthews 4thbirthday I was able to make his dreams come true by hosting a birthday party he dreamed about. I did it all alone, with my hard work, as a single mom and at only 24 years old. I didn't take that lightly. A lot of times people look at me very confused, they wonder if I have a rich husband at home (to be completely honest) , or they ask me what my business consists of, they don’t truly understand sometimes. Im okay with them not understanding, it doesn’t change my reality. I simply tell them that im in the business of changing lives. Im in the business of those who dream bigger. After I was able to change my own I became obsessed with being able to watch others do the same. 

So what does a day in my life with Matthew look like now?

I am with him 24/7

We have a beautiful home

He has a lot of friends 

My mom and I are with him + ocassional help

He goes to school when were not in quarantine

He loves to play outdoors (and indoors for that matter) 

We travel together often

He loves to ship himself toys from amazon prime

We are grateful

We enjoy our days together.

This all happened in a matter of a year and a half for me. Day in and day out it felt like so long but looking back at it, its been a blink of an eye. What do I want to tell you with this? Your life struggles are preparing you for your biggest breakthroughs. As a nursing student while I was studying over 12 hours a day, I never thought I wouldn’t be fulfilling my career.  I was focused on just that, studying, getting it done. When I first started the business, I didn’t know working my long shifts as a waitress would have given me people skills. I didn’t know that every single bump in the road I endured was going to lead me to an unexpected destination like the one I am in now.

If you are a young mom, or someone going through a lot at the moment and you feel like your world is falling apart. You need to be brave; you need to know that you have a bigger purpose. You need to make it through your day and thank god for letting you fight through it. You must let go of fear and open up your heart to where you were meant to be. You need to change things around you unless you want them to remain the same. This is a life full of endless opportunities and those who are brave enough to take them end up mysteriously changing their lives. I never lost sight of who I was meant to be and the greater purpose god assigned to me. I was dedicated to the task infront of me and I got it done every single day. No pity parties, no excuses, just a lot of conviction. You are special. Use every lesson you were given to shine a light along the way for others to walk the path and see things clearer.

Thank you so much for reading and supporting something I am so passionate about. We are all more alike than you think. Dont forget to click the follow button and share if you found some value in this blog post! xoxo- Isa